Weakness

Since da day we were borned, we are cursed with an inevitable fate. Each n every1 of us are cursed wit weaknesses and I mean, EVERYONE. Both u n I are no exception. Wanna bet? U noe ppl who Achilles was rite? He was considered a God of War.. Guess wat? His weakness was his dam heel. Kings, Queens or any superior motherfuckers all hv weaknesses. Then wat bout us? Obviously, v have too..

Solution?? It is nvr a solution to run or hide ur weaknesses by pretendin to b a person whom ur not.. U can lie from every1 bt nt urself, nt ur conscience. Da best way is to reflect on urself, learn n change. Why wanna run away? Runnin takes a life time, bt fightin requires oni a short period of time. Tink bout it..

4J Angels

Alot has happened recently, mostly consumed by breakups.. Well, I cant belief Im actually sayin tis.. Bt for da 1st time, breakup seemed rather soothin, pleasin n non-regretful. Y? Da ans was simple, da person whom I 'loved', well lets jz say it was a dream. Ppl dream all da time, its rather time-consumin bt doesnt hurt u in anyway. Well, Im nt hurt anyway. Jz relieved. Da last thing I did was punch da wall as hard as I cud, n everytin was over. Nope, no regrets. A little bit of tears n tat was all.. A new life begins.. After so much, da oni thing I feel grateful n blessed is da presence of everlastin support n care from my angels.. Lemme introduce y'all to them..

Angel No.1, Jasmine... Haven seen u since SPM n fate decided to let us meet in Murni's.. Our frenship, reappeared once again n I was happy to c u.. U were there wen I called u. Alwys findin alternatives to reply my sms wen u hv no credit. Goin out wit me n share wateva feelings I had.. Gave me advices n told me ur stories.. Although v haven met for a long time, v were still close n trusted each other.. Thank you.. Mayb I shud repay u by goin clubbin wit u once in a while, bt dun expect me to dance pls...PS: Our history has gone was back wen v were kids n I still hv da impression ur rich. LOL

Angel No.2, Jelly... Lets c.. I tink I noe u bout 3years oni bt da hard times v went thru... GG, countless.. A true fren, went thru everytin together wit me, countless advices, wasted so much time on me.. No matter hw selfish I was, I alwys listened to u.. U were there to listen n share my hardships. One who took da trouble to come down from Seremban to support me durin my hearin. Knowin it wasnt easy, n yet u came.. Here, I wanna say sry for 2things. 1, sry for smokin in front of u.. T.T. 2, sry for cuttin u off my life. Although I did tat on purpose, u understood y.. Reli sry n thanks.. PS: Im in Mantin, pls take Bus 818 (I tink) n come find me ler..

Angel No.3, Janet. No1 noes who's tis n I aint interested in tellin. U hv been a great companion.. U taught me alot in seein things in a more positive way. U showed me wat izit like to be wise n appreciate our own life. One who never said no wen I called. One who wud great me in open arms. I appreciated everytin u taught me. Finally, one who gave me knowledge, confidence, wisdom.. Im glad I met u n I reli appreciated every little thing u did for me.. Ur advices were priceless n will alwys remain in my heart.. Thx...

Finally, Angel No.4... Give it up for Dr. Tan!!!! Umm, I seldom speak seriously wen it comes to u. I mean, wen I look at u, ur nth bt happiness n joy. A cold-hearted person like me, can be melted down by u easily.. A person who will nvr return ur calls or sms cz she'z alwys BZ savin patients. By da word 'savin', I mean entertain.. Ur reli da best, tats all I can say. Ur da reason y Im still alive (other than da other 3angels).. There're alot of things I wish to put ere bt I cant seem to type them out, cz its too much. Among every1, I love u da most (Im nt biased!!!).. U were alwys there to catch me wen Im fallin.. Ur voice saved me from jumpin off a cliff.. A silent whisper of strength... A touch of love made things simple n elegant.. Finally, da warmth wen Im wit u...

Da 4 of u.... I hv nth bt appreciation n love... After so much, y'all have been standin by my side, walkin da same road as me. Counterin every single hardships together.. Tears of joy n happiness were shared. Laughter n sadness tagged along too.. All these elements made nt only me, bt us stronger.. Every step v made, constituted to a fine, invulnerable wall.. Thx to da four of u, I managed to turn da tides... Thank you, all four of u...

February

Abstract thoughts.
Loves reality and abstract.
Intelligent and clever.
Changing personality.
Attractive.
Temperamental.
Quiet, shy and humble.
Honest and loyal.
Determined to reach goals.
Loves freedom.
Rebellious when restricted.
Loves aggressiveness.
Too sensitive and easily hurt.
Gets angry really easily but does not show it.
Dislike unnecessary things.
Loves making friends but rarely shows it.
Daring and stubborn.
Ambitious.
Realizing dreams and hopes.
Sharp.
Loves entertainment and leisure.
Romantic on the inside not outside.
Superstitious and ludicrous.
Spendthrift.
Tries to learn to show emotions.

Current State of Mind

I hv spent a few days cryin silently n unnoticed. I dunno wat else shud I do anymore. I feel neglected, cheated n betrayed. Sumhow I hv da feelin tat sum1 is cheatin on me or has completely broke everytin. I feel afraid. For da first time in 3years, I feel fear... Fear of nt being alone, bt da fear of bein dumped. Fear of facin my past n present to hv sum1 accept me in future. A few ppl knew how hard it was for me to regain my pace. Rite now, I feel more hurt than ever. Although I dun cry tat often now, bt da pain is kinda unbearable... Janet was rite, I shud b smarter aka wisdom. Im alwys rite in everytin except wen it comes to love. I can judge ppl jz by lookin at them n accurately deduce wat type a person tey are.

Sadly, wen it comes to love Im alwys blind. Wat does tis mean? Hw can I change it? Izit me who's havin da prob or da opposite? Well, Im honored n proud tat after tat incident, I can control things alot better. Rite now, flarin up isnt a concern, bt sadness is.. Hw many ppl noe da pain I went thru? Hw many can und 100% of wat Im feelin? I jz dun und hw can ppl jz leave da fon ringin n nt answer it? Or nvr even bother replyin any msg u sent.. Da reciever nvr tot bout da sender's feelings. Da fear, worry n caringness... Mayb these emotions nvr crossed the reciever's heart at all....

I sold my soul to da Devil 3years ago. I gave myself up. My cheerful, happy, open-minded, helpful side of me.... Sold to da darkside n in return, I obtained intelligence in academic performance. Sumhow within da 3years of my quiet life, unconciously I gave myself up. I had nth back then, only books.. Tat life wasnt pleasant bt it was enjoyable in da sense that, relationships cant hurt me. Bt wen Im in love, sumhow my invulnerability jz dispersed, renderin me defenseless against pain.

Now I feel pain, subsequent extrapolation means Im still in love.. Am I? I used to tell my fren wen he's breakin down, "Don ever give up, be patient n walk tis road. At da end of da road, there's alwys sum1 waitin for u". Tis is wat I alwys told my emo frens, bt I cant seem to tell myself. I asked myself, I hv changed so much bt wats da point? Wat gud does it do? Filling myself wit hatred is better than bein positive. Life is unfair, always...... Thus, bein positive doesnt help. Da reason I cant be nice wit ppl is bcz da outside world aint nice.. An old saying, "Love u give is alwys inversely proportional to da love u get". Same principle, bein nice wit ppl doesnt mean tey appreciate it n do da same for u....

I reli dun hope to cut myself again, cz I noe I wont hold back again.. Rite now, Im aimless n as if Im phased. Walkin past everytin without bein noticed. Any of u watched da movie, "The Invisible"? Im jz like da main actor.. Da oni difference is Im nt dead yet.. Any1 out there, pls... Tell me wat to do or jz run me over wit a vehicle. Dun kill me if u cant, jz put me in a coma. Tat was my wish 3years ago. Mayb on my 21st bday, I shud wish for it again. My presence isnt soothin to ppl, bt its rather causin fear n discomfort.. I doubt any1 out will say tat Im fun to hang out with..........

Singin of,
ChaCha

Bitch

Da above title demonstrates hw hateful Im towards Rainnie. Seriously, I hv gave up cursin bt too bad, u wanna start from square 1 again? Bring it on... 2weeks ago, u said u wanna start everytin all over. Tk things step by step. Asked me to trust u n be patient for sumtin gud will turn out.. Reli? Wat u did yest? U noe wat, ur frens n parents shud reli noe wat a bitch u are. Wat u said to me yest? Everytime wen u wanna sleep, u alwys tell me wen I sms or call u. I angry wat? U tink I'll disturb ppl wen tey r sleepin izit? Bt wat u said to me? U said I farn u, asked me dun disturb u..

U noe wat, ur character nvr changed at all. Da same old William's bitch. U wan me to trust u? Cibai, I got scoldin for nth n u nvr even apologized to me. Call u, no answer. Sms u, no reply. Everytime cant get u, u tink I shud trust u after wat u said n done to me? Wat goes around, comes around. One day, u'll suffer. Mayb nt u, cud be ur family or ur future family. Trust me, it will happen. It alwys happens to fuckers like u. I had enuf wit u. I hv been keepin quiet, nt sayin nor doin anytin n all I got was ur bitchiness again. I reli dun und. U nvr respect n und me n u expect me to do da same? No fuckin way. I reli wasted too much time wit u.

Go back to ur Will... Ya, he's better than me. U rather fuck me than him. Tats wat u said to me.. Sure go ahead. One day, ur frens r gonna find out da truth bout u n trust me, tey will neglect a bitch like u. N ur life will jz be continuosly fucked by William n ur guy frens. U hv alot guy frens ma. Admire u? U wore bikini in front of them. U tink tey dun wanna fuck u? U almost got raped by ur fren n wat u did? U still considered him as ur fren.. Wat fuckin noobass decision was tat??

Reli, I known alot of females n ur da worse til I hv to call u a BITCH

Betrayal

Wat does da title mean to any1 of u? Hv u been betrayed by sum1 who u love or trust? U noe, rite now although Im lonely, bt sumhow I do feel happy. Bcz I noe Im cuttin whomever I tink are threats to my future. I reli dun und u, Rainnie. I jz dun.. Last week, u apologized sincerely to me. Told me to trust u n said v can start our relationship from scratch. Tis is wat u said, bt rite now I hv nth bt hatred for u.

Few days ago, I smsed u no reply. Mayb tot u no credit or sumtin. So I called u, no ans. For 2consecutive days, nth from u. U tink Im nt worried? Then, a day bfore PHY2032 exam, u replied Gan's facebook status. For God's sake, I hv added u in facebook for ages, nth. Niama, u rather waste da time to go on9 n reply his status, rather lettin me noe ur safe. If I din sms Lia n asked where were u, u tink I wud noe? Last time, wen v were fightin n if u hv no credit, u wud use Lia's fon n call me. Wat bout now? Im nt scared of being alone, bt u dunno ppl wud wry if tey cant get u?

U dare ask me to trust u? U rather find Gan then find me... U told me u dun trust him n yet, u find him first before me. I oredi dun wann curse at any1 cz Im oredi sick of it. I offer tis last sentence to da u. If u were raped by ur fren, or fucked n got pregnant by sum1, or bullied by ur ex, find Gan. Don find me. Trust u? I wud rather fuck a goat than u.. As for Gan, I reli dunno hw to trust u. If u2 r doin thigns bhind m back, go ahead. Wat goes around comes around. I'll make sure to live long enuf to c both of u suffer

3month Plan

Exams r finishin soon, n I cant believe for sayin tis. Im fuck tup tis time. For da first time in my education life, I feel so dam inferior.. Tis sem aint a gud time for me n my abilities deteriorated to a massive level. I cant seem to beat any1 tis sem, bt I'll try harder nxt sem.

Nxt sem..... Will I return to Monash after tis sem? I haven re-enroled yet cz Im tinkin whether or not I should stay in Monash. Wen I retrun to uni, I feel more lonely than ever. Feel so out of place n somehow restricted by sum unknown force. Cant seem to unleash my true capabilities. A subject to change, I may leave Monash n go IMU. Do wat there??? Dunno. Mayb Medicine or cont da current course. Da prb is da cb uni don accept credit transfer. GO Aus? Lagi fuck tup. 1 sem in Monash is RM16k. There, 1 sem bout RM30k. Tis isnt reli favorin my situation rite now, bt nevertheless, leavin ere is top priority.

I wont gv a shit bout wat ppl say if tey noe Im leavin. Wats da diff if I stay or leave? Its nt u who's sufferin bt me.. Y stay in a place where u cant even unleash ur true potential. Everyday I go uni, either I hv to wry bout seein bitches or meetin high class motherfuckers. Waste kaw my time. Its nt like u ppl can do anytin for me.. Im in a so fuck tup state wit not only studies, bt family too. I hv been stayin in my aunt's place for da past 2 n a 1/2 weeks. Y? Cz I cant stand my family..

Thank god my clinical attachment is in Ipoh for 2solids months. No nid to c useless ppl n dun nid to consider wtf is goin on. Cz my priority is to own da attachment n nt care bout anytin else. WIth good assessments, mayb IMU may accept me. Tats my current trump card.

I reli tot my love life is gettin better, bt its still as screwed up as it is. I dun wanna get thorn between 2ppl n make myself choose. Rite now, I seem to enjoy being alone agaon. Mayb unconciously, Im regainin my dark grounds n assimilate with my devil side. I may not like my old life, bt sumhow I tink it's better. I dun get hurt or dun nid to consider bout makin pppl happy or feel sad for ppl. I hate to feel sad or care for ppl. Wats da point for carryin a burden which doesnt belong to u?? I hv enuf probs of my own n I hv to deal with ur shits? No fuckin way.. Jz hope by da end of my attachment, I'll come up with a gud decision. I relidun hope to leave my frens ere bt if tats da last resort, I cud nt care less anymore.

Siginin off,
Yuki