Current State of Mind

I hv spent a few days cryin silently n unnoticed. I dunno wat else shud I do anymore. I feel neglected, cheated n betrayed. Sumhow I hv da feelin tat sum1 is cheatin on me or has completely broke everytin. I feel afraid. For da first time in 3years, I feel fear... Fear of nt being alone, bt da fear of bein dumped. Fear of facin my past n present to hv sum1 accept me in future. A few ppl knew how hard it was for me to regain my pace. Rite now, I feel more hurt than ever. Although I dun cry tat often now, bt da pain is kinda unbearable... Janet was rite, I shud b smarter aka wisdom. Im alwys rite in everytin except wen it comes to love. I can judge ppl jz by lookin at them n accurately deduce wat type a person tey are.

Sadly, wen it comes to love Im alwys blind. Wat does tis mean? Hw can I change it? Izit me who's havin da prob or da opposite? Well, Im honored n proud tat after tat incident, I can control things alot better. Rite now, flarin up isnt a concern, bt sadness is.. Hw many ppl noe da pain I went thru? Hw many can und 100% of wat Im feelin? I jz dun und hw can ppl jz leave da fon ringin n nt answer it? Or nvr even bother replyin any msg u sent.. Da reciever nvr tot bout da sender's feelings. Da fear, worry n caringness... Mayb these emotions nvr crossed the reciever's heart at all....

I sold my soul to da Devil 3years ago. I gave myself up. My cheerful, happy, open-minded, helpful side of me.... Sold to da darkside n in return, I obtained intelligence in academic performance. Sumhow within da 3years of my quiet life, unconciously I gave myself up. I had nth back then, only books.. Tat life wasnt pleasant bt it was enjoyable in da sense that, relationships cant hurt me. Bt wen Im in love, sumhow my invulnerability jz dispersed, renderin me defenseless against pain.

Now I feel pain, subsequent extrapolation means Im still in love.. Am I? I used to tell my fren wen he's breakin down, "Don ever give up, be patient n walk tis road. At da end of da road, there's alwys sum1 waitin for u". Tis is wat I alwys told my emo frens, bt I cant seem to tell myself. I asked myself, I hv changed so much bt wats da point? Wat gud does it do? Filling myself wit hatred is better than bein positive. Life is unfair, always...... Thus, bein positive doesnt help. Da reason I cant be nice wit ppl is bcz da outside world aint nice.. An old saying, "Love u give is alwys inversely proportional to da love u get". Same principle, bein nice wit ppl doesnt mean tey appreciate it n do da same for u....

I reli dun hope to cut myself again, cz I noe I wont hold back again.. Rite now, Im aimless n as if Im phased. Walkin past everytin without bein noticed. Any of u watched da movie, "The Invisible"? Im jz like da main actor.. Da oni difference is Im nt dead yet.. Any1 out there, pls... Tell me wat to do or jz run me over wit a vehicle. Dun kill me if u cant, jz put me in a coma. Tat was my wish 3years ago. Mayb on my 21st bday, I shud wish for it again. My presence isnt soothin to ppl, bt its rather causin fear n discomfort.. I doubt any1 out will say tat Im fun to hang out with..........

Singin of,
ChaCha