The Dark Ages of My Life

My Feelings

2009-01-11T23:19:00.000-08:00

Constantly seacrhin my brain dictionary to find a word, in order to find a perfect word to describe my feelings. Sum1 help me out pls, gimme a word which describes tis feeling. Nt sad, nt angry, nvr happy... Been feelin tis for da past 2days... Sumhow I can feel tat she's changin into sumtin else or nvr changed at all....

Whenever u wanna go sumwhere, u will alwys tell me or ask my permission to do so.. I wud allow u to go n hv ur freedom. I nvr restricted ur boundaries... I alwys trusted u bt jz 2days ago, it changed.. For sum reason, u din reply my sms or answer any of my calls. Wen u hv no credit, u'll tell me. Or wen u fin work, u alwys msn me. Bt wat changed? Where were u? Wat were u doin? Don u und tat sumtimes I wud worry or disappointed cz ur jz da same as 6mths ago? U nvr bothered tellin me or anytin.

It came down to 2assumptions. 1) U were wit ur ex, doin God noes wat or 2) U n ur screwed up family got probs n ur takin u stress out on me. If its 1, its fine, as it gives me a gud enuf reason to pursue sum1 I like. If its 2, Im more pissed. U jz cant get it into ur head don u? I told u bfore tat I hate it wen u tk ur stress out on me... I aso stress bt do u c me screwin da ppl I love or my frens?

Sumhow Im nt dat sad, or mayb tis is da end alrdy.. Wen my grandma prayed for me, God said a few interestin things bout me. 1) Gud in studyin, 2) Fateful wit woman n finally 3) Gonna hv 2 wives. Mayb I shud jz sit n wait for my 2 wives

Stupidity of Poor People

2009-01-05T00:51:00.000-08:00

Im reli tired of helpin n tired bein lied to... I done everytin I cud for u, if u din planned f followin me, then y agree? Meanin u nvr reli planned to call them anw. Stay in Monash jz for da attachment. U tink da attachment was dam great? Wat do u learn there other than gossipin n playi n ur dam sudoku? Nth rite. Nt like ur so smart. U noe wat, u shud alrdy noe tis. Ur fuckin poor n u still wanna stay in Monash. U saved at least RM6k per semester. Ur alwys da one bout savin money. Use ur dam brains, hw is tis savin money? Monash each semester, saps 6k from u. Ur da one sayin Monash is useless, study so little compare to UTAR. Ur da one complanin everytin bout Monash, n yet u still wanna stay...

Rushin? No.. U jz wanna stick ur ass to da attachment.. Is da attachment gud? U kept complainin bout everytin there n sayin tat Monash students hv no face there... Hello, all these complaints came from ur mouth n yet u still wanna argue. Im nt forcin u to leave, mayb I am.. Cz u get to save so much money. U cant even return da RM10k u owe Monash. Til now, u aso haven settle.. Ur da one wastin ur parents money.. U cant settle da debt then, u tink u can settle it now? I can bet wit u, ur gonna owe them more....

Reli wasted my effort... I planned an alternative route for u, save so much money.. U dun wan... I reli duin even und. Poor ppl shud save money, bt ur diff.. Ur wastin even more money. Im richer than u aso can tink bout savin money.... Ur way poorer than any1 in Monash, waste money as if ur using tissues to wipe ur ass.. R u reli 22yrs old? U dun seem mature to me... Im tired of helpin u.. Mayb I shudnt help u afterall... I wont expect u to und cz u hv no brains... Poor ppl who waste money are stupid...

Sum1 in Inti deserves my care n support, sum1 who will und da true meanin of savin money.. U n I, v are over...

Types of Fuckers I Hate

2008-12-21T05:31:00.000-08:00

1) Ppl who love to act nice n be angel to impress others

2) Ppl who tells me sumtin, A for example n does B later

3) Ppl who nvr learn from their mistakes n dare to say 'learnin is a tirin process'

4) Ppl who hangs up ur call n turns off their fon for hours

5) Ppl who purposely neglect ur calls bt not answering them for a minimum of 3days

Loneliness

2008-12-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

Its been 2/3 weeks holiday, I cant rmb how long. Da oni thing I noe is the endless boredom n loneliness wont end.. I dun hv da mood to go out n there's no1 to go out wit.. Probably da oni thing Im hopin for is my attachment..

These few days, Im havin a foul mood.. Sad, disappointed, neglected.. I cant seem to get hold of myself. Lies broke my flames of hope, turnin them to ashes. Leavin me in an endless abyss of darkness n sorrow. Y did u gimme hope n crush me after? Im tryin to help u.. Mayb u don nid me in urlife, even if u said otherwise...

Mayb da oni thing tat wud keep me company bfore leavin for Ipoh is the meet ups wit Aunty n Suyi... Mayb tats all I nid afterall... So much problems, so little time.....

Weakness

2008-11-24T01:49:00.001-08:00

Since da day we were borned, we are cursed with an inevitable fate. Each n every1 of us are cursed wit weaknesses and I mean, EVERYONE. Both u n I are no exception. Wanna bet? U noe ppl who Achilles was rite? He was considered a God of War.. Guess wat? His weakness was his dam heel. Kings, Queens or any superior motherfuckers all hv weaknesses. Then wat bout us? Obviously, v have too..

Solution?? It is nvr a solution to run or hide ur weaknesses by pretendin to b a person whom ur not.. U can lie from every1 bt nt urself, nt ur conscience. Da best way is to reflect on urself, learn n change. Why wanna run away? Runnin takes a life time, bt fightin requires oni a short period of time. Tink bout it..

4J Angels

2008-11-20T12:41:00.000-08:00

Alot has happened recently, mostly consumed by breakups.. Well, I cant belief Im actually sayin tis.. Bt for da 1st time, breakup seemed rather soothin, pleasin n non-regretful. Y? Da ans was simple, da person whom I 'loved', well lets jz say it was a dream. Ppl dream all da time, its rather time-consumin bt doesnt hurt u in anyway. Well, Im nt hurt anyway. Jz relieved. Da last thing I did was punch da wall as hard as I cud, n everytin was over. Nope, no regrets. A little bit of tears n tat was all.. A new life begins.. After so much, da oni thing I feel grateful n blessed is da presence of everlastin support n care from my angels.. Lemme introduce y'all to them..

Angel No.1, Jasmine... Haven seen u since SPM n fate decided to let us meet in Murni's.. Our frenship, reappeared once again n I was happy to c u.. U were there wen I called u. Alwys findin alternatives to reply my sms wen u hv no credit. Goin out wit me n share wateva feelings I had.. Gave me advices n told me ur stories.. Although v haven met for a long time, v were still close n trusted each other.. Thank you.. Mayb I shud repay u by goin clubbin wit u once in a while, bt dun expect me to dance pls...PS: Our history has gone was back wen v were kids n I still hv da impression ur rich. LOL

Angel No.2, Jelly... Lets c.. I tink I noe u bout 3years oni bt da hard times v went thru... GG, countless.. A true fren, went thru everytin together wit me, countless advices, wasted so much time on me.. No matter hw selfish I was, I alwys listened to u.. U were there to listen n share my hardships. One who took da trouble to come down from Seremban to support me durin my hearin. Knowin it wasnt easy, n yet u came.. Here, I wanna say sry for 2things. 1, sry for smokin in front of u.. T.T. 2, sry for cuttin u off my life. Although I did tat on purpose, u understood y.. Reli sry n thanks.. PS: Im in Mantin, pls take Bus 818 (I tink) n come find me ler..

Angel No.3, Janet. No1 noes who's tis n I aint interested in tellin. U hv been a great companion.. U taught me alot in seein things in a more positive way. U showed me wat izit like to be wise n appreciate our own life. One who never said no wen I called. One who wud great me in open arms. I appreciated everytin u taught me. Finally, one who gave me knowledge, confidence, wisdom.. Im glad I met u n I reli appreciated every little thing u did for me.. Ur advices were priceless n will alwys remain in my heart.. Thx...

Finally, Angel No.4... Give it up for Dr. Tan!!!! Umm, I seldom speak seriously wen it comes to u. I mean, wen I look at u, ur nth bt happiness n joy. A cold-hearted person like me, can be melted down by u easily.. A person who will nvr return ur calls or sms cz she'z alwys BZ savin patients. By da word 'savin', I mean entertain.. Ur reli da best, tats all I can say. Ur da reason y Im still alive (other than da other 3angels).. There're alot of things I wish to put ere bt I cant seem to type them out, cz its too much. Among every1, I love u da most (Im nt biased!!!).. U were alwys there to catch me wen Im fallin.. Ur voice saved me from jumpin off a cliff.. A silent whisper of strength... A touch of love made things simple n elegant.. Finally, da warmth wen Im wit u...

Da 4 of u.... I hv nth bt appreciation n love... After so much, y'all have been standin by my side, walkin da same road as me. Counterin every single hardships together.. Tears of joy n happiness were shared. Laughter n sadness tagged along too.. All these elements made nt only me, bt us stronger.. Every step v made, constituted to a fine, invulnerable wall.. Thx to da four of u, I managed to turn da tides... Thank you, all four of u...

February

2008-11-16T03:20:00.000-08:00

Abstract thoughts.
Loves reality and abstract.
Intelligent and clever.
Changing personality.
Attractive.
Temperamental.
Quiet, shy and humble.
Honest and loyal.
Determined to reach goals.
Loves freedom.
Rebellious when restricted.
Loves aggressiveness.
Too sensitive and easily hurt.
Gets angry really easily but does not show it.
Dislike unnecessary things.
Loves making friends but rarely shows it.
Daring and stubborn.
Ambitious.
Realizing dreams and hopes.
Sharp.
Loves entertainment and leisure.
Romantic on the inside not outside.
Superstitious and ludicrous.
Spendthrift.
Tries to learn to show emotions.

Current State of Mind

2008-11-15T11:48:00.000-08:00

I hv spent a few days cryin silently n unnoticed. I dunno wat else shud I do anymore. I feel neglected, cheated n betrayed. Sumhow I hv da feelin tat sum1 is cheatin on me or has completely broke everytin. I feel afraid. For da first time in 3years, I feel fear... Fear of nt being alone, bt da fear of bein dumped. Fear of facin my past n present to hv sum1 accept me in future. A few ppl knew how hard it was for me to regain my pace. Rite now, I feel more hurt than ever. Although I dun cry tat often now, bt da pain is kinda unbearable... Janet was rite, I shud b smarter aka wisdom. Im alwys rite in everytin except wen it comes to love. I can judge ppl jz by lookin at them n accurately deduce wat type a person tey are.

Sadly, wen it comes to love Im alwys blind. Wat does tis mean? Hw can I change it? Izit me who's havin da prob or da opposite? Well, Im honored n proud tat after tat incident, I can control things alot better. Rite now, flarin up isnt a concern, bt sadness is.. Hw many ppl noe da pain I went thru? Hw many can und 100% of wat Im feelin? I jz dun und hw can ppl jz leave da fon ringin n nt answer it? Or nvr even bother replyin any msg u sent.. Da reciever nvr tot bout da sender's feelings. Da fear, worry n caringness... Mayb these emotions nvr crossed the reciever's heart at all....

I sold my soul to da Devil 3years ago. I gave myself up. My cheerful, happy, open-minded, helpful side of me.... Sold to da darkside n in return, I obtained intelligence in academic performance. Sumhow within da 3years of my quiet life, unconciously I gave myself up. I had nth back then, only books.. Tat life wasnt pleasant bt it was enjoyable in da sense that, relationships cant hurt me. Bt wen Im in love, sumhow my invulnerability jz dispersed, renderin me defenseless against pain.

Now I feel pain, subsequent extrapolation means Im still in love.. Am I? I used to tell my fren wen he's breakin down, "Don ever give up, be patient n walk tis road. At da end of da road, there's alwys sum1 waitin for u". Tis is wat I alwys told my emo frens, bt I cant seem to tell myself. I asked myself, I hv changed so much bt wats da point? Wat gud does it do? Filling myself wit hatred is better than bein positive. Life is unfair, always...... Thus, bein positive doesnt help. Da reason I cant be nice wit ppl is bcz da outside world aint nice.. An old saying, "Love u give is alwys inversely proportional to da love u get". Same principle, bein nice wit ppl doesnt mean tey appreciate it n do da same for u....

I reli dun hope to cut myself again, cz I noe I wont hold back again.. Rite now, Im aimless n as if Im phased. Walkin past everytin without bein noticed. Any of u watched da movie, "The Invisible"? Im jz like da main actor.. Da oni difference is Im nt dead yet.. Any1 out there, pls... Tell me wat to do or jz run me over wit a vehicle. Dun kill me if u cant, jz put me in a coma. Tat was my wish 3years ago. Mayb on my 21st bday, I shud wish for it again. My presence isnt soothin to ppl, bt its rather causin fear n discomfort.. I doubt any1 out will say tat Im fun to hang out with..........

Singin of,
ChaCha

Bitch

2008-11-13T01:42:00.000-08:00

Da above title demonstrates hw hateful Im towards Rainnie. Seriously, I hv gave up cursin bt too bad, u wanna start from square 1 again? Bring it on... 2weeks ago, u said u wanna start everytin all over. Tk things step by step. Asked me to trust u n be patient for sumtin gud will turn out.. Reli? Wat u did yest? U noe wat, ur frens n parents shud reli noe wat a bitch u are. Wat u said to me yest? Everytime wen u wanna sleep, u alwys tell me wen I sms or call u. I angry wat? U tink I'll disturb ppl wen tey r sleepin izit? Bt wat u said to me? U said I farn u, asked me dun disturb u..

U noe wat, ur character nvr changed at all. Da same old William's bitch. U wan me to trust u? Cibai, I got scoldin for nth n u nvr even apologized to me. Call u, no answer. Sms u, no reply. Everytime cant get u, u tink I shud trust u after wat u said n done to me? Wat goes around, comes around. One day, u'll suffer. Mayb nt u, cud be ur family or ur future family. Trust me, it will happen. It alwys happens to fuckers like u. I had enuf wit u. I hv been keepin quiet, nt sayin nor doin anytin n all I got was ur bitchiness again. I reli dun und. U nvr respect n und me n u expect me to do da same? No fuckin way. I reli wasted too much time wit u.

Go back to ur Will... Ya, he's better than me. U rather fuck me than him. Tats wat u said to me.. Sure go ahead. One day, ur frens r gonna find out da truth bout u n trust me, tey will neglect a bitch like u. N ur life will jz be continuosly fucked by William n ur guy frens. U hv alot guy frens ma. Admire u? U wore bikini in front of them. U tink tey dun wanna fuck u? U almost got raped by ur fren n wat u did? U still considered him as ur fren.. Wat fuckin noobass decision was tat??

Reli, I known alot of females n ur da worse til I hv to call u a BITCH

Betrayal

2008-11-05T02:04:00.000-08:00

Wat does da title mean to any1 of u? Hv u been betrayed by sum1 who u love or trust? U noe, rite now although Im lonely, bt sumhow I do feel happy. Bcz I noe Im cuttin whomever I tink are threats to my future. I reli dun und u, Rainnie. I jz dun.. Last week, u apologized sincerely to me. Told me to trust u n said v can start our relationship from scratch. Tis is wat u said, bt rite now I hv nth bt hatred for u.

Few days ago, I smsed u no reply. Mayb tot u no credit or sumtin. So I called u, no ans. For 2consecutive days, nth from u. U tink Im nt worried? Then, a day bfore PHY2032 exam, u replied Gan's facebook status. For God's sake, I hv added u in facebook for ages, nth. Niama, u rather waste da time to go on9 n reply his status, rather lettin me noe ur safe. If I din sms Lia n asked where were u, u tink I wud noe? Last time, wen v were fightin n if u hv no credit, u wud use Lia's fon n call me. Wat bout now? Im nt scared of being alone, bt u dunno ppl wud wry if tey cant get u?

U dare ask me to trust u? U rather find Gan then find me... U told me u dun trust him n yet, u find him first before me. I oredi dun wann curse at any1 cz Im oredi sick of it. I offer tis last sentence to da u. If u were raped by ur fren, or fucked n got pregnant by sum1, or bullied by ur ex, find Gan. Don find me. Trust u? I wud rather fuck a goat than u.. As for Gan, I reli dunno hw to trust u. If u2 r doin thigns bhind m back, go ahead. Wat goes around comes around. I'll make sure to live long enuf to c both of u suffer

3month Plan

2008-11-02T04:30:00.000-08:00

Exams r finishin soon, n I cant believe for sayin tis. Im fuck tup tis time. For da first time in my education life, I feel so dam inferior.. Tis sem aint a gud time for me n my abilities deteriorated to a massive level. I cant seem to beat any1 tis sem, bt I'll try harder nxt sem.

Nxt sem..... Will I return to Monash after tis sem? I haven re-enroled yet cz Im tinkin whether or not I should stay in Monash. Wen I retrun to uni, I feel more lonely than ever. Feel so out of place n somehow restricted by sum unknown force. Cant seem to unleash my true capabilities. A subject to change, I may leave Monash n go IMU. Do wat there??? Dunno. Mayb Medicine or cont da current course. Da prb is da cb uni don accept credit transfer. GO Aus? Lagi fuck tup. 1 sem in Monash is RM16k. There, 1 sem bout RM30k. Tis isnt reli favorin my situation rite now, bt nevertheless, leavin ere is top priority.

I wont gv a shit bout wat ppl say if tey noe Im leavin. Wats da diff if I stay or leave? Its nt u who's sufferin bt me.. Y stay in a place where u cant even unleash ur true potential. Everyday I go uni, either I hv to wry bout seein bitches or meetin high class motherfuckers. Waste kaw my time. Its nt like u ppl can do anytin for me.. Im in a so fuck tup state wit not only studies, bt family too. I hv been stayin in my aunt's place for da past 2 n a 1/2 weeks. Y? Cz I cant stand my family..

Thank god my clinical attachment is in Ipoh for 2solids months. No nid to c useless ppl n dun nid to consider wtf is goin on. Cz my priority is to own da attachment n nt care bout anytin else. WIth good assessments, mayb IMU may accept me. Tats my current trump card.

I reli tot my love life is gettin better, bt its still as screwed up as it is. I dun wanna get thorn between 2ppl n make myself choose. Rite now, I seem to enjoy being alone agaon. Mayb unconciously, Im regainin my dark grounds n assimilate with my devil side. I may not like my old life, bt sumhow I tink it's better. I dun get hurt or dun nid to consider bout makin pppl happy or feel sad for ppl. I hate to feel sad or care for ppl. Wats da point for carryin a burden which doesnt belong to u?? I hv enuf probs of my own n I hv to deal with ur shits? No fuckin way.. Jz hope by da end of my attachment, I'll come up with a gud decision. I relidun hope to leave my frens ere bt if tats da last resort, I cud nt care less anymore.

Siginin off,
Yuki

Lies

2008-10-28T00:34:00.001-07:00

There's 1thing I reli hate in people. Those who watched House Season 1, a patient once said 'Lies isnt wat people say, it's wat tey do'. Lyin is a far worse than hurtin sum1 physically. I reli hate those people who like to lie. If there's sumtin u wanna say, say it man. Im more open than u people. Mayb all of u fuckers out there tink Im a fuck tup bastard.. In fact Im, bt I listen to reasons, tats if u people r willin to tell me da truth.

I hv heard numerous lies these days. Recently, I felt so fuckin stupid n stayed awake til 6am in da mornin. Nt cryin, bt punchin da wall til my knuckles are swollen again. I was so furious wit myself. Tis new character of mine totally sucks. I reli prefer my old self bt its nt a decision Im willing to make yet. I dun wanna disappoint my 3J Angels.

PS: Angel, yest was fun n I was happy to c u concentrate as well. Keep it up ya

Present Days

2008-10-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

Exams are comin in a matter of days, n I mz say Im slackin behind. Alot of things are goin thru my head now. I jz dunno wat to do. Jz tat these few weeks I hv been very down n noody. A feelin I haven felt for years. N guess wat, Im smokin like hell n da worse part was I had trouble breathin n had chest pains. Who cares la cz I reli feel like dyin. I feel so dam worthless u noe. I nvr knew helpin n supportin ppl can be so dam tough. Mayb Jas was rite, v oni support ppl whom are nice to u. I guess ur nt in da list.

Last week wen I was drivin around my neighbourhood, I drove past places me n her spent time together. I admit I do miss da old times n tears wud start flowin down. Rite now I feel reli dumbfounded. I cant bear wit these feelings anymore. Mayb Jas was rite again, I shud be my old self again, jz a little nicer. Sum ppl may noe hw long it took me to seal my old self. To be specific, 2years. I managed to seal it bcz of her. I changed so much better bcz of her. She saved my life bt rite noe, she's reli pushin me off a cliff. I reli dun wanna pull my old self out again cz I cant turn back.

Rite now, Im reli contemplatin of leavin Monash. Bout my destination, I haven decided yet. Mayb IMU, UK, USW or UWA. Decisions are easy to make bt credit transfers are more tedious than I thought. Act, I reli dun wanna live in M'sia anymore. Mayb after tis sem, I leave either Aus, again UK or mayb Czech Republic. I hv said tis bfore n I'll say it again. I wont let any1 noe where Im goin, nt even Janice, Jelly, Jas or Ragu, even Jin. This time I reli plan to disappear from da world I used to live in n move on to sumwhere. Mayb tats best.

Rite now, da most important thing is past da cb exams n enjoy my clinical attachment. I'll fuckin work hard for it n obtain near-perfect assessments to maintain my reputation. N Im pretty sure it will help me in da future. Dun b surprised if I dun blog for 3-4mths.

Gave Up

2008-10-16T07:32:00.000-07:00

Wen Im typin this, regret n disappointment fills my heart now. I reli feel dam down. I haven been smokin, basically I quit smokin. Bt due to today's currect progress, I took 1step further to torture my lungs. I bought a box of cigarette. Wen my frens c me smoke, it's alrdy "Momo emo wey". I jz bought 1box, extrapolate tat. I dunno whether izit a coincidence anot, bt everytime I supported her, screw ups await me at da end of da road. Wat does tis mean? Simples, means I hv to gv up supportin u. No matter hw much I cared n supported u wen u needed me tat night, til da end u dare to say Im jz ur fren. Worse of all, u said tat u care for me bt wont bother showing it. WTF does tat mean? If in future v are together, how da fuck ur gonna care for me?

Im givin up everytin. I packed everytin single present she gave me n threw it down da river. Due to today's heavy rain, da package filled with memories drifted along da river n slowly, disappeared from my sight. I was sad bt it was a choice I had to make. I dun wanna support ppl whom they don show their appreciation. Wen u begged me for help n support,i gv it to u cz I reli tot u realized ur mistake. Bt from wat u told me today, I realized ur da same old shit I used to noe. In my mind now, oni 1sentence echoes repeatingly. The woman u loved is already dead. I realized tat was da fact.

Rite now, I hv to gv myself sum time off. After da exams, Im fuckin stayin in Ipoh for 2solid months. Im decidin to delete my current msn, change hp number, leave Monash mayb goin UK. Tis place is too fuck tup for me. Rmb wat u put in ur sms? U tot I reli loved u n u were stupid for believin tat n I chose Janice. Whether anot I choose Janice is different thing. U said u love me n dun wanna be wit me now n hv me wait. Jz bcz in Monash got things goin on, u jz came up wit an excuse sayin tat now isnt da proper time to fall in love. Additional things u said like if v werent in Monash, we can b together. Wat fuckin shit is tat? Wen will u learn tat wat ppl tink n where ur standing doesnt affect ur decision?

Im selfish? Wat bout u? Cb, u fuckin cry n need my support. Once again I was stupid enuf to give it to u. U hv my advice then wat? Say tat Im jz ur fren. Wat da FUCK is tat? I shud hv gave up on u, knowin tat ur nth more tat a dipshit. U get wat u wan from me n ur ditchin me. Ur havin a hard time? Reli? U wanan compare wit me. For defendin ur ass, I went against 7 of my best uni pals n now tey ditched me. My family is gettin more n more screw up til Im askin them to divroce. I hv missed 3weeks of classes n exam is fuckin nxt week. Worse of all, I supported u few days ago n today I was fucked by u.. U tink Im havin an easy time? Wen ur fallin who's there to catch u? ME!!!! Bt where were u wen I needed u? Its alwys Janice catchin me. Even Janice n I may not be couple, bt I can seriously say tis. I love her more than u.

As tis moment, if u wanna continue threaten me u wanna kill ur-fucking-self, go ahead. Jz make sure ur blood doesnt touch any part of my body. I mayb lustful for blood, bt I aint interested in yours. I said tis bfore n I'll say it again, U'll regret today's decision. Dont ever hope Im comin back to ur ass. No fuckin way. As long as Im alive, even if ur da last woman on earth, I would rather fuck my own ass...

Two Js

2008-10-12T02:03:00.001-07:00

Rite now, Im pissed n disapponited at wat sum ppl say. Its nt like I care anw. Now here tis out, there are two things I wont gv a shit in my life, frens n family. These two things r jz a switch away. I can turn them on or off as I like it. In ur face motherfuckers. Bt there r exceptions. I'll oni discuss bout Jelly n Jan.

Jelly, I noe u hv been tryin hard to help. I reli appreciate. Ur like a sister to me. I noe wat I shud d oredi, cz I aint blind like last time. Everytin is over, u hv my word. I noe I tried pushin u away last night, n it was wrong. I jz dun wanna drag u into my stuff u noe. I dun mind ppl humiliatin me cz I dun gv a shit. Bt I hate it if tey extrapolate the humiliation to da both of u. Jan, u hv been there willingly wen I needed u. As u claimed, 'I din do anytin'. Ur 'din do anytin' scheme earned my appreciation, respect n love for u. Like I told u, I reli like u. Although I dun care wat those bastards/bitches say bout me, bt I dun wanna get u involved. I mm seh tak let ppl hurt u. Haha, mayb u tink Im crappin, bt I jz dun wan u to get hurt cz of me. From wat da both ppl said bout me, I dun reli feel like tryin to kaw u liao. Haha, mayb they're rite, Im nth.

To da both of u, I love da both of u. Jz gimme a little more time to sort things out. Bt I dun wanna come to a decision tat I hv to leave da both of u to avoid bringin trouble to da both of u.

PS: If u two bastards are readin my blog, keep tis is ur cb brains. I dun gv a damn wat u noe or who u got it from. Whether my frens abandoned me anot, I cud not gv a shit. Say wateva shits u ppl wan. I wont let fuckers like u both bring me down n say shit things to divert my concentration. Rmb tis, I wont lose to motherfuckers like u. Call me a lustful person or wateva la. I am n if u noticed da title of my blog, I clearly stated this. "If u dun like it, fuck off'. Since ur nt fuckin off means u like me n so shut da fuck up

Personal Choice

2008-10-10T01:01:00.000-07:00

Rite now exams r coming. Reli no mood to study though. Everyday keep Dota oni.. Oh well, back to topic. Im contemplating to leave Monash n go IMU. Bt since ur goin there, I guess I hv to go sumwhere else to pursue my dreams. Tis place aint suitable for me anymore. I guess its gud bye to da frens ere...

SEX

2008-10-04T03:19:00.001-07:00

Im seriously gonna start one night standing

Trust

2008-10-03T21:34:00.000-07:00

I wont trust any of u ppl anymore.. My original theory was rite, ppl u meet in uni r nth bt distractions. N to me, u all r nth more than assholes in my life. If u tink its had to talk to me, then say it to my fuckin face. Dun come up wit lies sayin tat my frens hv to pretend to b nice wit me so I wont get angry. Both of u (R n G), wen u all nid support, u both fuckin come to me. SO u all turn ur back against me. Very nice of u eh. Lie to me n come up wit stories. I knew u ppl wont b so gud. Plain disappointment.

To me, u both r worse than servants or dogs. U ppl dun deserve death. U ppl deserve suffering. If there's such thing a God, I hope he noes wat to do wit da both of u. If not, I'll tk things in my onw hands n deal wit u both personally.

And Jas, if ur reading tis, Thx for last night. I reli appreciate it

Mottos of My Life

2008-09-24T05:32:00.000-07:00

Im gonna use these 2 phares as my life's goal:
a) Im gonna eat girls for breakfast
b) Screw da old ones n fuck da new ones

Birdcage

2008-09-24T03:37:00.001-07:00

I can sing any Jap songs u throw to me, fast, slow, rock, techno, wateva. But tis song is special. The special condition to sing tis song requires extreme emoness n sadness. Right now, after 5mths I can actually sing tis song again. The title is Birdcage, performed originally by Gackt

hikari no naka de mita osanai kioku wa
kegareta kono boku ni wa ima mo toosugite
yami no naka, kimi no na o nando mo sakenda
owaranai toki no naka de kimi shika inakute

aganau koto sae dekizu ni boku o tojikomeru
inoru koto shika dekinakute...kanashimi wa ienai
ajisai no nureta ha no ichimai chigitta
mizutamari ni ukabete kimi o omoidasu
ameagari no yuugure ni kasuka ni kikoeta
tooku no fune no kitekinaze ka kanashikute

yurusarenai no nara subete ga kiereba
iikanashimi mo itami mo nani mo iranai sekai e
aganau koto sae dekizu ni boku o tojikomeru
inoru koto shika dekinakute...kanashimi wa ienai
yasashiku naita sora kara kikoeta kimi no koe mo
namida o ukabeta mama waratta boku ni wa mienai

hikari no naka de mita osanai kioku wa
oto no nai egao sae ima wa ureshikute
nido to modorenai
ano koro ni moboku-tachi wa waratteita

Translation
Inside of the light, I saw my youthful memories
They're still too far off for me, filthy as I am now
Inside of the darkness, I called your name over and over again
Inside of the endless time, there's no one there but you

I lock myself up, unable to even atone
I can't do anything but pray...my sadness is not cured
I tore off a single damp petal from a hydrangea
It floats in a puddle, and I remember you

In the evening just after the rain, I faintly heard the far off whistel of a ship
For some reason, it made me sad
If I can't be forgiven, then everything can disappear
The sadness and the pain, to the world that doesn't need anything

I lock myself up, unable to even atone
I can't do anything but pray...my sadness is not cured
From the gently crying sky, I also heard your voice
I laughed through gathering tears, but I couldn't see anything...

Inside of the light, I saw my youthful memories
Even the soundless smile is happy right now
I can't return to that time ever again
When we were laughing

Life n Death

2008-09-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

I met up wit Jellybean today n v talked quite alot. She asked me 1question. Wats my purpose of living. It was simple. I ans, "I live to die". My ans is clearly indicated by da colors of my blog, red n black. The colors of death.

PS: Mayb I shud start takin TC's advice which is, I shud start eatin girls for breakfast

Celebrity

2008-09-21T03:04:00.000-07:00

Ever since I went back to uni, sumhow Im so goddam famous. Every1 noes who am I, every lecturer noes my name. Dr. Ton n Dr. Olivia saw me one day n was like, 'Ur Wai Hong rite? Pls meet me in my office ltr". Wow, a shadow has made emerged to light of truth. Even da bitches in uni cant stop lookin at me. Tiu, dun b jealous tat Im more handsome tat ur bf or future husbands (tats if u guys hv any). I hv no reason to lose the Mr. Monash title durin my graduation ball. Nice.. =.='. Things haven been goin well for me now. I hv missed my Phy test n accordin to Dr. Moore, I cant tk da test cz da deadline was durin my suspension. I dun even need to do any reports for tey will nt contribute any marks to my final exams. Niama cibai. Every1 has 100% assessment mine now all lower than 90%. Monash policy my lan la.. Wat da fark is tis cb?

I feel so dam disappointed now. After all da ups n downs me n her been thru, she still treated me as a fren. Wen I asked her does she noe hw much I sacrificied for u, all she said was 'So?". I was completely haertbroken. I have been cryin for a week n da days still keep count. She n YX were rite. Ppl like me dun deserved to be loved. I reli wanna go back to my cage. Nt bcz I regretted fallin in love wit her, bt I myself aso tired wen she said downgradin things bout me. She said I made her lose her frens and she said tat she hv to tink bfore she talks to me so tat I wont angry. She even said tat my frens are controllin themselves wen talkin to me so tat I wont angry. Mahai, u ask da 2 Kevins, Sesh n Gan. I hv noe Chan n Sesh for 2yrs plus. U ask them did I disrespect them bfore? U ask them haven I been cheerful n enjoy da times v Dota n pool. U ask TC n Gan, hv I shit wit them bfore anot? If tey reli tink Im disrespectful, np. I can live like a recluse n fuckin move away from u all. Hw does tat sound?

I seriously tink u n ur frens r fuckin retards n immature lo. Im bad myself bt who died to gv u da rite to shit wit me? I hv ppl scandalin my ass in uni n I aint doin anytin. Talk bout me shittin ur frens. I relli dun und hw u all tink. If u all wanna fuck wit me, come to my face, 1 by 1 n c hw I fuck u in da ass. I reli gv up on lovin n shud restart my 'hate ppl' scheme. Y love n loyal to one who doesnt do da same? I reli tot she was diff, bt she was jz da same. I was wrong. No matter hw supportive I was wen she had screw ups wit her ex, who fuckin appreciates? I cant talk to alot of ppl. Janice is bz excitin ppl in her med sch. Jelly is bz countin money in Sunway. Jin is bz wit his assgs. Ragu is bz flyin his planes for terrorism. I cant talk to any1 alot these days. Even if Gan was ere, he has alot to do.

Pls, I reli nid help ere. If sum1 out there is readin tis, pls help me. Who will truly und da things Im goin thru? My wrist cuttin isnt suicidal bt it will soon enuf...

The Dark Age of My Life

2008-09-18T04:07:00.000-07:00

Some may noe, some may not. I jz returned to uni today after a 2week suspension. I wont discuss da reasons bcz the chapter is finally closed. The reason I blog ere is to fill tis blog wit total sadness n sorrow. No happy posts will exist ere n if u dun like it, well my openin title says it all. FUCK OFF.. Alot of people seem surprised wen I returned to uni today.. Y? Wished I was dead? Too bad motherfuckers, Im still alive n hangin on. But to wat.. Wat am I holdin onto now? I hv become more lonely. Even both Kevins n Sesh greeted me, some sort like 'open arms' back into uni, somehow Im rather distant between them. Izit bcz I hv been away too long or is tis da consequence for not sharin my pain wit then? I dun wanna drag any1 else into my probs.

I was initally suspeneded for 1mth, bt I managed to come bak due to alot of positive responses from alot of people. Well, no matter hw much u all contributed, no1 can compared wit Prof. Pua (PP). Frankly speakin, Monash Aus was suppose to expel my ass bt PP put his career on da line n went thru hell load of hardships to save me. He was so confident in me tat he was willin to sacrifice his job for me. Wen I returned to uni today, I looked for him first. He was so glad so c me. I seeked his advice on hw to tackle my probs now. PP made me realize tat the untrue frens hv surfaced since tis incident. Im nt pointin fingers, so pls dun perasan til I say its u.

PP kept tellin me to let things settle down n keep my head down n study hard. I reli wanna study. Bt I dun hv da drive, not yet. It happened to me 2years ago wen I broke off wit my ex n she treated me like shit, I filled myself with hatred towards her n studied like mad. In da end, it worked. Rite now, I hv to hate sum1 else to survive. Finally, PP told me to study hard n asked me to aim to be da best student in my course. Before I left, he was in tears n hugged me, like hw a father hugged a son. He was a warrior n I was glad I met him. Things arent reli happenin for me. I had a bad breakdown again n Im about to lose myself.

I dunno wat else can i do anymore. Towards sum1, Im nth more than a fren. After wat v went thru, Im jz a fren to her. Im nt hopin for anytin else n has completely given up on da love of my current life. Rite now, Im jz gonna get my degree n leave tis country. My leave will be as secretive as possible only allowin close frens to send me off. They are Ragu, Tat, Jelly, Angel, Miss Ho n Jin... Oops I forgot, Susu aso ^^. Da day I board an airplane, is da day I wont return. I had enuf for da past 3years. I hv been sufferin continuosly n fendin off every single hardships bt Im tired. I wan a new life sumwhere far from ere. I wanna find wats da true meanin of lovin sum1. I was totally heartbroken yest wen she said bein wit me n carin for me is stressful whereby she has to tink wat to say. In my interpretation, she meant everytin was fake. I dunno wtf she meant bt tats da was I see it.

I gv up studyin Medicine cz of my xe n now I dun wanna gv up my dream to leave tis fuckin country bcz of my ex again. U hv ur future n I hv mine. Like u said, I aint tat important to u.. U hv so many frens to b with til the extent tat ur rdy to goin out anytime wit them bt me.. Pls.. I reli nid strength to hold on. Jz enuf for me to graduate. Im very tired. Rite now, Im back to sqaure one. Cryin every single moment while studyin, pretendin to b strong in front of every1 n secretly cryin under my pillows. Wen will tis end? I reli jz wanna cry it out n die after tat bt I cant. I zj cant. Pls... Sum1 help me..